Release from Grief: What Ifs

The What ifs

Oh those what ifs, things you wish you had done differently at the time of your loss, things you think if you went back and changed it would change the outcome. There is no changing, no going back, etc. Your angel is your angel, it's harsh, but true. It takes awhile to realize this...I used to wake thinking Kaitlin was still in the NICU. I used to hope and believe Sage was still growing in my and what I had passed was just a large clot and all was well. Then I played the what ifs. Was it the fact I touched Christmas lights that caused Kaitlin to have issues, I colored my hair I should have never done that. What if I hadn't? What if I wasn't taking certain medicines could that change if Sage would have lived or not...I drove myself mad...but it didn't change anything. It didn't bring them back. Nothing will. So you have to face reality, Your baby is GONE.

Then there is the how you would have done it differentlys. How you might have dressed your angel yourself, how you might have not flushed that clot down the toilet. How you would have made the experience more special or just different. That can't be changed either. But it's okay. It YOUR experience. At the time it was what you needed to do. Sometimes we are medications that hinder us from seeing things clearly, sometimes your just so caught up in the moment you don't know what more to do. Hindsight is always clearer. Your angel though feels the love you have for them NOW and thats all they need. They are balls of energy and light...feelings I truly believe help nurturer them, just like breastmilk might a newborn. Share your feelings with them. You can speak out loud or in your mind, they hear you. They know you love them without having to put on a grand show of things. You don't need to release 1000 balloons, or light 100 candles, they know cause you feel it. I've told people many times that if you feel you didn't get to say something to a passed loved one, say it NOW. They hear us, they truly do. I know this only based off my own experiences... cause I feel it. You can take me on my word or not, but it goes back to memory. Even if you didn't love how the last moments you had with your child went, the love is still there. You love your child no matter how horrific their birth was, let that LOVE be what you choose to focus on. Remember it, hold on to it, and keep it with you on the surface. Let it float and the bad memories sink a little out of focus. You can't get rid of them, but you can choose what you want to keep upfront.