Release from Grief: Nature


Oh boy, did I ever resentment my two angels from time to time. I will be honest sometimes I'm downright mad at them. If Kaitlin could have just developed properly I might have my three children right now. (Not that I realistically think SHE had any say in matters either). Sage too, I wouldn't have had to spend another 5 months of disappointments if she could have just stuck around. Sounds awful of me right? It's normal. It's part of playing a victim, but I try to remember they are a victim too. If only MY egg/body could have worked right they would be here right?

Oh and then resenting the medical staff, my doc for not seeing what was going on, the NICU nurses for maybe missing something. The NICU doc for maybe throwing in the towel too soon...etc. Even though I kno they all had her best interests at heart, that they were fighting WITH us and not against us. This kind of thinking will just sink you. And to be honest we all sink some before we learn how to float. Then you sort of do this bob on top thing on occasion. Or take a few steps back towards the water during your life before you turn around and walk forward again. Really though loosing Kaitlin and Sage is nature.

Nature took a hold of my children and took my children from me. Nothing to really blame there. We as a human race save ALOT of babies that shouldn't be saved. (I'm not saying I want that to end). From Nature's standpoint we are going against genetics. Now the weak survive along with the strong. A child born at 24 weeks for example is given about a 50% chance of survival... they normally walk out with lots of complications, but they live. 100 years ago... a baby born at 24 weeks would have been treated like a baby born at 20 weeks now. A baby born to soon to be helped. (Listen don't quote me directly on the numbers I use, this is just a food for thought sort of thing). Now fast forward 100 years and perhaps a baby born at 20 weeks will be able to survive too...but as humans we are supposed to carry our young in womb for 9 months. Born a little sooner might work out alright in general, but we keep our young alive when they are born drastically earlier than planned.

This way of thinking has helped me immensely. How can I resent the medical system for giving me a chance to carry Kaitlin to term. Kaitlin should have died around 20 weeks. We stitched my cervix closed so she stayed within until 29 weeks. Then she should have died shortly after birth, but because someone knows how to perform surgery on such a tiny being she lived. Because we have antibiotics, can give blood transfusions, and have meds that help preemies she lived for two weeks. Sage isn't immune to this either. In the past I would have realized I was pregnant and thought all was well, up until the day it wasn't. But with Sage I got to have an ultrasound (well a few of them). I got to prepare. I knew she wasn't going to stay around and I got plan for that. I knew why I lost Sage. Medicine tells us that babies just stop developing for genetic reasons. Before I can only imagine a woman's pain in wondering why her pregnancies didn't stick. I can imagine the blame one might have felt. It's a small comfort in knowing that it's just nature. It's nothing I did, its nothing the baby did, it's just how things happen.

In the end though it nature. It goes back to the why me question. I am a product of nature so it's the reality my children are also prone to nature's laws. Not every egg with be perfectly fertilized or grow the way it should. Not every person's body is a perfect host for babies to grow. All we can do is be thankful for the technology we posses to help fight against it.

No comments: