The Growth Section:
So you've planted your see at some point in grief. Some sliver of hope that has buried itself deep in your soul. Some of us will go on to have more children. Some won't. That doesn't matter for this. It will need time to grow. In the next sections I will share with you the different items I went through to grow mine. Yours will probably be different. Just like how a rose needs different care than a lily, yours will different nutrients to make it happen, but it can happen.
It changes you just like the seed looks nothing like the flower, you will change too.
There is no back to yourself. Back to normal, back to you. There is a new normal, a new you and people around you will struggle with that. Even those who are closest to you might not understand. I think men sometimes don't understand and that is just because they deal with loss in a very different way. (and this is okay... I know I struggled with understanding how my husband could be so different, but we each needed to find our OWN way through it).
Infant loss changes you. You learn things from your losses, even if its just how to see someone else in a different light. Maybe you were in a relationship that wasn't the best, and going through your loss you found out just how not right the guy was for you. Maybe you starting giving time or talents to others to help ease their pain, something you might not have done before. Maybe you just learned how to listen better to someone else's pain. It's easy to play the victim, but over time playing that role will just cause you to drown. It may take you years to swim to the surface, but if you put one foot ahead of the other every day you will get there, and your loss will have changed you and I believe it changes everyone for the better.
You will always hold bitter resentment of WHY ME. But think why not me? What makes you different than another angel mom. My husband and I did everything right, waited to have kids until after marriage, after we were financially sound, totally in love etc...and Kaitlin still happened. While so many other's went on to have kids. I still don't always understand WHY ME, but I do understand why not me. I'm not any more special than the next person. We think we are as humans, that have something better than others, but the reality is ... we don't. So we have to face and deal with that, when you do you can start your swim up, you can start to break the surface and fine a beach with your path to your future.
Let is change you. So what if you want to now learn how to crochet so you have make hats. Maybe you want to go to your local support group no longer for support but to GIVE it. Maybe online you become a peer who people can come talk to. Maybe start a blog to share your feelings so that it might help one more person. Maybe you just become more attentive to the children you have, or your husband. You can turn around and spread some love in so many ways and it doesn't even have to be related to your loss. I believe it can change you in a positive way when your ready to embrace it. When your ready to break the surface the light that is now with you always starts to shine in you, and it grows. Let it. Does it mean you have to change the world, no. Maybe your light will just be to give a smile to someone who needed it more than you realize. Maybe before now you were the one always talking while I friend always listened and now you know how important it is to listen and they can now use you and your ear. Maybe it's to donate to a hospital, time or items. Go with what makes you feel good. What settles your heart will be the the right path. Be true to yourself and don't overdo it.
You may stumble, fall, have to go back. Maybe what you picked doesn't work anymore. Thats alright. Maybe you need a new focus as life goes on cause something happened to alter your path, thats alright to. This is YOUR path, your walk...your growth. It's not to be compared to anyone else's. Don't let anyone else judge that, its yours, own it and be proud of it. If you're not then think about how to make it something your proud of and start the steps towards doing it. Yes I'm a glass is half full kind of person. Life throws you things that are awful, tragic and hurt. If you allow yourself to dwell forever on the half empty side you will drown. I'm not saying I've never drowned... we all do it from time to time. But at some point you need to step back, take a deep breath and start your swim UP. If you don't you will always feel miserable and I'm telling here and today after a loss of a child you don't HAVE to. I truly believe your angels will thank you for taking the steps towards a brighter more positive future.