Release from Grief: Share

hare

This section might seem redundant. But It's from a previous portion I wrote and felt it needed to be said, it's something I encourage EVERYONE to do. Share your loss, share your experience, just share.

You don't have to share them with the world, you don't have to talk and talk about your few days pregnant until those around you think you've gone mad. There are so many different way to SHARE that don't seem like “sharing.” Lets start with one simple fact, don't hide them. They are apart of you, the new you. In order for people and you to understand that new you, they need to KNOW why you changed. No all people will NOT agree with it. They've probably never experienced it. If they did it might have been in a time they weren't allowed to process and deal with those feelings...so understand you will not find acceptance with all of those around you. I try to accept the comments they make as just ignorance. And not ignorance in a negative way... just they don't KNOW. It's like telling someone you understand what it feels like when their house burns down. You can't unless you've experienced it. Have you lost everything you had accept the clothes on your back? Have you stood by and cried seeing the place you felt the safest turn to rubble? If the answer is no, then you CAN'T relate. You think you can so you say things like I understand, but you truly can't. Just like a person who has never experienced a loss can't help but think they have the best advice, but they don't. And honestly NO ONE has the best advice, you need to stumble around and figure out what your new path is. Talk to people, get opinions...something will work, somethings won't...but you will find your footing again. So this is why I say share.

Even with future people. As you go on to make new friends, don't afraid of talking about your loss. It's apart of you just like all of your other life experiences. It has molded you into who you are, it's nothing shameful. It's not meant to be swept under the rug. If you had a child that died at the age of two you would talk about them, but for some reason an infant loss isn't supposed to be. I'm not saying shout it from the roof tops (even though I don't think there is harm in that either), but we often get a pit of our stomach worry when someone asks how many children we have, or brings up pregnancy. Then the struggle in your in mind begins... do I say something? Do I just stay quite? Do I omit my angels? I'm all for honesty. Say it, say you have so many losses, say you have had that experience. I can tell you in my 6 years of being honest, I rarely come across a rude person. Sadly most of the rudeness comes from family not strangers.

Sharing also empowers. It empowers other women and men to be willing to say HEY ME TOO! It's scary, but honestly our world is changing and people are realizing that loss happens. It's not a comfortable topic so many stray away from it, but they know of it and most have sympathy for those who deal with it.

Confession. I once was exposed to someone who was talking about a miscarriage and how worried she was about the current pregnancy. How scared she was, etc. I remember thinking why it's just a miscarriage. That was my being ignorant. It was before kids for me, before I realized what it was like. It's just like when people talk about their house flooding... like mine did. People on the outside think we got tons of money from the insurance company, that we were recovered with in months of it happening, and that we are back to normal. In reality, we didn't even get enough to put the downstairs back to how it was before the flood, not to mention the countless personal items we lost. We are still recovering 3 years later as you can only do so much. Yes we use the basement again as a living room, but it's not a “finished” room. Then the back to normal.. HA! We lost all of our baby items that we saved from baby one, so we had to rebuy them all when we got pregnant again. People don't step up and help you as much with baby two as much as they do with your first...so it was on us. People don't get how we talk about a plan on IF we ever get a the flood warning like we did before. How we worry when it rains. How we still try to find things we lost in the flood forgetting we LOST them in the flood. So many things are not normal now... but it's our new normal. I couldn't have understood what flooding was like, until it happened to me. But I am honest about the flood too.

You sharing will empower someone else to share and perhaps even help them realize they aren't alone. However I do understand not everyone is comfortable with this.

Maybe you're not comfortable sharing verbally. Share on paper. Journaling for some can be a very powerful tool. Something they can turn to, write in and just have that release. Kuddos to you if you can, I envy you. I never could. It wasn't my outlet. It seemed to easy to do, but it wasn't for me. I felt awkward writing, clumsy and just plain not into it. So I abandoned it. I tried it...because at first I was worried my feelings weren't normal, that I would be laughed at, it still didn't work for me. But over time I've realized that I'm not normal, I'm ME. My grief and feelings will be different and the same in many ways compared to others.

But I stress don't stuff your loss down deep inside of you like your trying to “forget it”. Share it, even if it's ONLY with yourself.