Nature
Oh boy,
did I ever resentment my two angels from time to time. I will be
honest sometimes I'm downright mad at them. If Kaitlin could have
just developed properly I might have my three children right now.
(Not that I realistically think SHE had any say in matters either).
Sage too, I wouldn't have had to spend another 5 months of
disappointments if she could have just stuck around. Sounds awful of
me right? It's normal. It's part of playing a victim, but I try to
remember they are a victim too. If only MY egg/body could have worked
right they would be here right?
Oh and
then resenting the medical staff, my doc for not seeing what was
going on, the NICU nurses for maybe missing something. The NICU doc
for maybe throwing in the towel too soon...etc. Even though I kno
they all had her best interests at heart, that they were fighting
WITH us and not against us. This kind of thinking will just sink you.
And to be honest we all sink some before we learn how to float. Then
you sort of do this bob on top thing on occasion. Or take a few steps
back towards the water during your life before you turn around and
walk forward again. Really though loosing Kaitlin and Sage is nature.
Nature
took a hold of my children and took my children from me. Nothing to
really blame there. We as a human race save ALOT of babies that
shouldn't be saved. (I'm not saying I want that to end). From
Nature's standpoint we are going against genetics. Now the weak
survive along with the strong. A child born at 24 weeks for example
is given about a 50% chance of survival... they normally walk out
with lots of complications, but they live. 100 years ago... a baby
born at 24 weeks would have been treated like a baby born at 20 weeks
now. A baby born to soon to be helped. (Listen don't quote me
directly on the numbers I use, this is just a food for thought sort
of thing). Now fast forward 100 years and perhaps a baby born at 20
weeks will be able to survive too...but as humans we are supposed to
carry our young in womb for 9 months. Born a little sooner might work
out alright in general, but we keep our young alive when they are
born drastically earlier than planned.
This way
of thinking has helped me immensely. How can I resent the medical
system for giving me a chance to carry Kaitlin to term. Kaitlin
should have died around 20 weeks. We stitched my cervix closed so she
stayed within until 29 weeks. Then she should have died shortly after
birth, but because someone knows how to perform surgery on such a
tiny being she lived. Because we have antibiotics, can give blood
transfusions, and have meds that help preemies she lived for two
weeks. Sage isn't immune to this either. In the past I would have
realized I was pregnant and thought all was well, up until the day it
wasn't. But with Sage I got to have an ultrasound (well a few of
them). I got to prepare. I knew she wasn't going to stay around and I
got plan for that. I knew why I lost Sage. Medicine tells us that
babies just stop developing for genetic reasons. Before I can only
imagine a woman's pain in wondering why her pregnancies didn't stick.
I can imagine the blame one might have felt. It's a small comfort in
knowing that it's just nature. It's nothing I did, its nothing the
baby did, it's just how things happen.
In the
end though it nature. It goes back to the why me question. I am a
product of nature so it's the reality my children are also prone to
nature's laws. Not every egg with be perfectly fertilized or grow the
way it should. Not every person's body is a perfect host for babies
to grow. All we can do is be thankful for the technology we posses to
help fight against it.
